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When Will I Learn?

My mom and I were just joking the other day about how I always seem to ‘learn my lesson’ in the quickest way possible.

When I was little, I stole a packet of jam from a restaurant and it exploded in the pocket of my new winter coat. I had sticky, jammy things in there for months. You will NEVER catch me taking jam, peanut butter or honey (which is my personal favorite and I would love to steal some honey) because I was quickly informed by the retribution squad that you are not supposed to do that.

On a recent flight, I decided to forgo wearing undergarments because I have had some friends (I know a lot of weirdos) tell me they do it and it’s wonderful and MY JEANS WILL FIT BETTER. And also because I packed all my clean stuff. I have a lot of reasons why I prefer wearing underwear, a large one is that I constantly think –

‘What would my mom say?’

So what happens when I arrive at my destination? It’s burning hot, I’m in heavy, dark clothes and want to change into a dress and some freaking UNDERWEAR but as you may have guessed – my luggage is nowhere to be found.
The universe went as far as to steal my luggage to tell me to get my act together and slap some underpants on.

Another time, I had just received the worst haircut of my life. IT WAS REALLY BAD, YO. The girl who had done it was super sweet though, and it was her first day and her dad even came down to take her picture at work. Awwwww. So of course I say I love it and pay and smile and do all the fakey, fakey things to make her feel good. Except then I went into the bathroom and practically cried and talked smack about my hair for a good 10 minutes. Never noticing that the stylist had come in and heard everything. UGH.

Which brings me to yesterday. I did something that women keep doing, over and over again. I have learned my lesson on this, multiple times. It really should be one of the commandments.

THOU SHALT NOT CUT THY OWN BANGS.

And I know better. I really do. From my mom cutting my bangs when I was little, to being drunk in the bathroom with my equally drunk friend with scissors, to cutting my own right off – I KNOW BETTER.

Yet, this didn’t stop me yesterday when I was looking at my too-long bangs and thinking I didn’t want to go make the trip to see my stylist just for bangs.

“How hard could it be?”

“It’s only a little bit of hair. It’s easy!”

and the worst one of all:

“I will look so cute in Vegas this weekend!”

Well let use this time to remind myself and all of you that it is, in fact, not easy. My bangs look vaguely ridiculous now, and they are much shorter than I expected because I kept cutting every time I made a mistake.
And while I don’t have any desire to show you what they look like today, I will show you some of the bang disasters throughout my years. Oddly, all the truly terrible photographs have disappeared though. Weird.

This is me in kindergarden. My mom did those bangs herself.
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I think I was 21 in this photo. I cut my own bangs, didn’t like it, so decided to swoop them to the side. Do you see what depravities you resort to when you trim your own bangs? Actually, now that I think about it, this is kind of what my bangs look like today.
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27. This is Halloween and actually a wig, but I have cut my bangs this short. I did it myself because of course no stylist would let me do this. (My costume is Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction and I had a syringe sticking out of my chest but you can’t see it. Trust me that it was awesome.)
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This is just a few months ago and I didn’t cut them myself. I just included it because I think Charlotte’s face is hilarious and more importantly, I look kind of cute, even with all the beer in front of me.
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  • Shawna - I am not sure I will ever learn this lesson. The truly ridiculous thing is that almost every hairdresser I’ve ever been to has told me to come in and they’d cut my bangs for free. (I was so desperate one time, I had the girl at Beaners cut them after she was done the boys hair. And it was worse than when I do it!) PS: I was at that Halloween Party! Fantastic costume!!!

  • tamsen - haha,i laughed through the whole post. awesome 🙂

  • Miranda - You are hilarious! I cut mine all the time and my stylists are pissed I do it behind their backs, but secretly impressed. NOW, as for cutting my own hair. I have problems thinking I can tackle that task all on my own and it’s always a disaster. I ended up with an angled bob once because I kept having to, “clean it up”. I was slightly hormonal at the time (never cut anything while enduring PMS). Nice thing is bangs grow out fast and you can always pin them to the side with a bobby pin. You always look great and will find a solution! Thanks for the smile. Needed that.

  • Jennifer Gilbert - I do this too. My daughter won’t let me near her with a pair of scissors. Oh no – the hairdresser has to do them!

    BTW: You’ve forgotten to include a picture of your most current bang trim. 😉

  • Shannon Patterson Fisher - I love your lessons from the universe. This was a fun read. Did the stylist in the bathroom say anything to you? I hate bad haircuts. I’ve done some bang dammage in my time, but my hair is way finer than yours, so easier to cut at home. 🙂

  • shannon - I happened upon this tonight. I read it again and your writing reminded me of the first time I realized how smart you are. We were in grade four or five and were asked to write stories. A couple of minutes into writing you read me what you had so far. You had a few lines of dialogue and then you said, “THE END.” Except you kept going because the characters in your story then turned off the TV.

    I thought, “Holy crap. That’s grown-up writing!”

    Seriously. You’re a smart cookie, friend.

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