Does anyone else get haunted by horrible guilt when you don’t do the things you are supposed to do?
I usually try to bury the guilt down by completely ignoring my to-do list and pretending nothing is wrong.
As you can imagine, it usually goes pretty sideways.
I have a lot of big ideas but I can be so incredibly lazy. I can dream up, but I’m not so great at execution. I also hate drudgery, and did I mention that I’m lazy?
It’s happened with lots of things during my life. Taxes, making time for friends or family, blog posts, answering emails, answering the phone. Oh God, the phone is such a torturous device for me. As a small business owner, I have to have a phone. I have to answer the phone. I have to return calls if I send them to voicemail. And yet – I don’t. I will walk around pretending like I don’t have 57 unheard voicemails in my inbox. And now this horrible practice has begun with emails. I read them, I mean to respond and then I just don’t.
This past year hasn’t been that difficult. I took a limited maternity leave but found myself a lot more tired than I expected. Having a baby at 39 was exhausting. Building a house was exhausting. Once we moved in I just found myself shying away from a lot of outside activities and just wanting to rest and get through the days.
I’ve had depression before and this was bordering on it, but not quite there. It was more a matter of feeling overwhelmed and getting lazier and lazier.
My friend had her husband unexpectedly pass away in December. She is getting by, and today I told her:
“Sometimes life is just a series of “get through it” moments. One foot in front of the other”
And then something inside me woke up. Because my husband didn’t die. (I don’t even have a husband because we never get around to planning the darn wedding!) I have a beautiful baby boy, two amazing daughters and a guy that truly would do anything for me. Yes, I’m tired. Yes, that beautiful boy is a crazy maniac that is more than a handful. But I have so much to be grateful for that I’m actually embrarassed that I have spent so long just “getting through” it.
I’m tired of pushing my guilt down, and I’m tired of having so many things hanging over my head. I have a lot of ideas and dreams and I can make them happen – just not all at once.
So little by little, I can make progress. I can be open and upfront and set goals for myself that I can actually achieve. One of those goals is writing at least 100 words a day. Another of those goals is to stop neglecting my blog and my business. So these 500 words are just a small part of taking action and feeling better and being excited about my life.
I hope to see you tomorrow, I have another 100 words to check off!